Kink In Exile

Ok, I have to say I’m not much of an anal fan, though I’ve enjoyed butt plugs in the past, and I like vibrators so a vibrating butt plug seemed promising. The B-Bomb Vibrating Silicone Butt Plug by Tantus from Good Vibrations is a 100% silicone plug with a removable bullet vibe in the base. Couple of nice things right off the bat: it’s made out of a safe and easy to clean material, the vibrator is removable so you can use it as a normal plug or add the bullet for something a little different, if you’re not using it with a condom you can use oil based lubes with this plug, and it’s totally waterproof vibrator and all. And one problem: it’s bigger than any other plug I’ve tried.

The B Bomb is 4″ long and 1 1/4″ wide at the widest point. Well within what I would call the range of reasonably sized objects to put up ones bum, but too big for me. To be fair I gave it the old college try, lots of lube (don’t use silicone lube!) and a sexy bed-time story to help it along. The verdict? I’ll give it another try, but I think this might have to be reclassified as a reasonably sized object to put up someone else’s bum. I hear tell the B Bomb is harness compatible though so I’m looking forward to adding a little buzz to my strap-on play.

I’ve been thinking for a while about the nature of sex guides and how a lot of them start with “have sex with the lights on” and sadly end there. The Connoisseur’s Sex Guide, however, is a great little book that not only gives a solid overview of the basics, but touches on some more graduate level topics.

This 240 page pocket-sized book has lovely glossy pages and full color photos that are sexy without being pornographic per se. It starts with sexual positions working it’s way from missionary and variations there of to a balancing act involving the bathroom sink. Then the book turns to a chapter of T words: tips, tricks, tantra and Tao. I haven’t tried tantra, but the beginner lessons in Connoisseur’s Sex Guide seem like a good stepping stone. The book lists a couple concrete Tantric exercises without overwhelming readers with the history and emotional/religious implications there of. Moving on from tantra we get roleplay and fantasy — areas I’m more familiar with but still feel that the Connoisseur’s Sex Guide provides a nice sampler plate with enticing illustrations, and specific suggestions to get you started. Helpful shaded boxes are provided to give the reader some extra hand holding, and occasionally partner exercises, for potentially more nerve wracking activities such as phone sex (oh hush you, some of us are the quiet, reserved type!)

Finally, Connoisseur’s Sex Guide includes sections on sex toys, dressing for sex and sensual fabrics, as well as a glossary of fetishes and an informative description of the sexual response cycle. Because this book covers such a range of topics in such a short time it feels superficial at times. However, I would encourage readers to look at it as a tasting menu — an opportunity to flip through a couple dozen fetishes in an afternoon’s time and decide if they should consider a vibrator or a crop as their next purchase.

It’s a snippet of a street poetry slam in the mission that I caught while waiting for a hot man to take me to a sleazy bar with good beer and a dark back room.

And the evening was, if not what I expected, good medicine for the settling down bug.

I didn’t realize until I sat down with a cup of coffee at my local adult coffee shop how disconnected from kink I’d gotten. Work has been tough and life probably even more so. Now I’m struggling with the idea of separating out time for kink. On the one hand I’m amazed by how much more in tune with sex I get just by making time, away from work, to think about kink. On the other, I don’t want to be saddled with a sense of obligation to be kinky.

A friend of mine has this idea about the ebbs and flows kink libido, which I understand as follows: sometimes you every little scrap of leather has you thinking about trying a 24/7 D/s dynamic or at least a hot drawn out week-long scene. And sometimes your boss forgets that you work part time, your graduate adviser thinks you should do a 180 on your thesis by tomorrow and you have 117 new messages in your inbox, which is to say you just can’t be bothered.

But somehow I had the thought earlier today that being dominant is the promise I made in this relationship. Perhaps it was less explicit than others like say “I will tell you if I have sex with someone else before the next time we have sex,” but it’s still in there. Maybe this is obvious to you. To me it was mind boggling. I can’t tell if layering the kink over a relationship makes it more or less strange. I suppose if we were just meeting up to play the real world wouldn’t matter, and yet it seems like play is vitally important in this “real world” relationship.

Anyway, it’s both sensible and challenging. Sensible because I would be rather confused if he stopped being submissive. In fact I can say from past experience that when my boy isn’t in the mood to be submissive I’m hurt regardless of how reasonable his mood may be. Challenging, however, because dominating someone takes a lot of focus and energy for me and right now my energy is just going to other things. Beyond that being dominant just to please someone doesn’t sit well with me. It’s the latex and blow jobs version of BDSM, which is fine in porn and other settings where money is exchanged for attention, but it just isn’t my thing. It’s work even if it isn’t my job in specific.

I have a couple of possible solutions up my sleeve but I’m curious as to what the rest of you have to say. Any advice?

Ok, I know I’ve taken a bit of a blogging hiatus recently, but you’ll have to forgive me since I was out of the country for most of that time. I’m going to jump right into it with a couple of toys I got from Good Vibrations before I left, and then I’ll backtrack and explain the more personal stuff in future posts since I need some time to clear my head before I can make coherent sentences.

The toys I got were actually two variations on a theme. Both made by Fun Factory, the Smartballs and Teneo Kegel Sex Toys are part kegel exercisers and part g-spot stimulators. They are basically little weighted balls that you insert vaginally and wear around the house or while having sex, or hell while jogging if you like, but we’ll get to the uses in a minute. The SmartBalls are two such balls connected by a flexible neck, while the Teneo is one slightly larger ball (about 1.5″ in diameter). Both are made up of a larger outside with a smaller free-moving weighted ball on the inside. This gives them a little bit of movement (not exactly vibration, but close), allows them to respond to your movement dynamically and adds weight. The SmartBalls are made of non-porus elastomer and the Teneo is made of silicone, both hygienic, body-safe materials.

So what do these guys actually do? Well a couple of things. First if you just wear them vaginally, say while doing house work, keeping the weighted balls in place can strengthen your kegel muscles. You can also keep them in while doing kegel exercises for a bit more challenge. Second, while the health benefits are all well and good these things are also pretty damn fun as g-spot stimulators. When you move your hips the weighted internal balls move with you changing the weight distribution and pressure and creating a titillating if subtle internal sensation. Finally, you can use them to bring your attention to something sexy in a mind-body type exercise.

What did I do with mine? Believe it or not, I cleaned the house. Ok, actually I have to say the SmartBalls were a little too much for me outside the bedroom. Either the flexible neck wasn’t quite flexible enough, or they were just too big but I couldn’t sit comfortably with them in. The Teneo, however, was perfect for, well, for every day use. I inserted it while cleaning the house and taking care of paperwork and it kept my mind on sex even while I was doing the most mundane things. I would particularly recommend this as part of D/s play say if you’re cleaning your dominant’s house and want to keep your mind firmly planted in the gutter.

On the whole, either of these is a fun addition to the toy chest, but if you haven’t played with something like this before I would recommend the Teneo for the most comfortable introduction.