Kink In Exile

I was reading this post on Biochemistry and a Submissive Girl, and thinking about how the bloggers I follow haven’t been posting as much. It makes me sad because a lot of my inspiration comes from these amazing, insightful, sexy people. What happened?

I know a number of us have started or ended significant relationships over the last year. I know I have. And then there are other life factors, work dissertations, thesis proposals. But you know, I miss the good old days.

If you’re a blogger what causes you to write more or less frequently?

I review a lot of sex toys, and one of the things I look for in my reviews, especially this time of year, is giftability. But can you really give a sex toy as a gift? Opinions vary. On first pass it may seem like a reasonable gift for a lover, but not a friend, but then what if your sex life has been rocky? It could be seen as patronizing. And I for one have given sex toys to friends with ease.

Can I give my wife/girlfriend/spouce a Christmas vibrator?
I would say that if your sex life is generally healthy and enjoyable for both of you, and your partner has not expressed any anti-sextoy sentiment then it’s safe to say yes. If you haven’t had sex in 3 months and it’s a point of contention in your relationship I recommend something more natural like a comfy bath robe or piece of jewelry.

Can I give sex toys to my friends?
Ok, so I have given sex toys to my (platonic) girlfriends. My best girlfriends, mind you. Usually this wasn’t a “I went out and bought you something” it was more like “I have a surplus of this thing I’m reviewing, do you want the extra?” If you’re getting sextoys for a friend keep it light. Vibrating rubber duck — sure. Extra large butt plug — let her get it for herself.

Can I get something sexy for my hot coworker?
No.

How do I pick a sex toy for someone else?
One of the reasons you should only get sextoys for people you know well is that they are hard to buy for other people. If you’re shopping for a partner, consider shopping with them. Otherwise go for something kinda cute, on the small side maybe. Alternately, consider a gift certificate and a card with a sexy promise.

I’m reading Helping Me Help Myself, a book in which Beth Lisick describes her experience following the advice of ten self help books over the course of a year. I’m on the chapter about marriage and Lisick is reading Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. I don’t think I can subject myself to that kind of insanity especially as I am working on being less angry just now. From what Lisick writes of the book however, it seems that Mars/Venus uses (pop)psychology to explain away difficulties and attribute them to what is in my opinion over-blown gender differences. One things caught my attention in that it made systems of appreciation gender-based — to make a woman happy do nice things for her, be helpful, and put the toilet seat down. To make a man happy appreciate all the nice things he does for you and give him rewards. Seems a little narrow to me, but ok.

Anyway, I decided to write up my own marriage advice. Take it with a grain of salt, do your own research, and don’t sue me if it doesn’t work.

1) Love means never having to ask is complete and total bullshit. If you want something you should ask for it. Don’t call your partner and start on a rant of “I’m just so behind today and there’s no way I can stop at the store and I’m hungry and I really wish I didn’t have to stop at the store and I have a late meeting” in hopes that your partner will say “oh, honey, do you want me to take you out for dinner?” Instead just call and say, “Honey can you stop at the store on your way home, I’m having a hard day.” Be prepared that they may say no, but hey, they might say yes.

2) Men seems to like it when you tell them that they turn you on. I sure as hell like wiggling my butt first thing in the morning and feeling my partner get excited so I’d say this isn’t a gendered thing. Tell your partner or spouse that they make you hot, show them the proof, take your time to tease or send a naughty text in the middle of the day. Stay sexually connected. If your partner doesn’t turn you on you should probably do something about this — consider a book (erotic or self help) or a toy to share. A June 3rd New York Times article, When Sex Leaves the Marriage, says that on average married couples in America have sex 58 times per year and also states “There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.” So you see, sex is important.

3) Talk. Ok, obviously you need to talk if there’s a problem, but talk when there isn’t a problem. Make time for eachother, know your partner’s interest, ask what they’ve done today. seriously, how many couples do you see who have nothing to talk about, no shared interests, where one partner doesn’t know what the other does for a living and doesn’t care. How do you build a connection on that?

4) Ignore relationship advice and do what seems right for your relationship. Enough said.

5) Find out how your partner likes to be appreciated and appreciate them in that way. If they think a card says it all, don’t build them a spice rack or make dinner and neglect the card just cause you want a spice rack.

Again, this is marriage advice from someone who has never ever been married, so take it with a huge grain of salt. I take no responsibility for marriages, divorces, babies, book sales, or sex related accidents resulting from this post. Use at your own risk.

What happens to the data you didn’t think worth saving?
Where did all those things we did in the 80s go?
I’m pretty sure that the first website I ever made for pay was in 1999. I don’t have the backup, but more importantly I don’t have backups of all the goth-turned-kink things I did before then, and I can’t help but wonder where it all went. Where did the data go when hotlips and then velvet.net went down? I actually once picked up a guy at a party because I had an @velvet address and he knew the owner. I wonder if three years of good sex makes up for the loss of all that angsty poetry.

I keep thinking that I don’t need any more vibrators, that I really have everything and should stop, and I keep getting more. Imagine my surprise when I realized that I didn’t in fact have one of everything yet. The Jimmyjane Iconic Bullet is a new take on a classic favorite of mine: the bullet vibe.

Unlike the typical bullet the Jimmy Jane version comes in white plastic that reminds me of early apple products. It also has three speeds, an improvement over the traditional bullet’s on/off functionality.

The Iconic bullet is 100% waterproof, bath friendly, and travel friendly. The only downside I found is that, like all the bullets I’ve seen, it runs on watch batteries, which is a pretty expensive way to run a vibrator if you ask me. Still, it’s hard to ask for anything more from a vibe that’s smaller than a lipstick tube and still manages to pack in three speeds of vibrating fun.

This cute little vibrator is available from Babeland.

Running into my coworkers at risque parties and having that be just fine freaking rocks. For that, and many other reasons, I think the valley spoiled me for employment anywhere else in the country.