Kink In Exile

me: “Oh, hey look a company that makes airplane parts and sex toys.”
roommate (looking): “Which one did you get?”

So you’ve tried toys, you’ve tried costumes, and now you want to try something entirely different in the bedroom. Or maybe you’re trying your hand at amateur stripping in or out of the house and you want something to spice up your routine. Perhaps you, like me, have always admired body jewelry but are still hesitant about getting your “down there” pierced. Well, I never thought they’d do it but they did — someone actually invented non-pirecing genital jewelry.

The Arabesque Body Jewelry Clit Caresser looks kind of like a cross between dangly earrings and a hair pin, and comes with straightforward instructions (though illustrations would help). You slip the sterling silver clip part over your clit and let the beads dangle as decoration. I’ll admit my thoughts on this are mixed. It was a little confusing to find the right fit at first but once on it stayed securely without pinching. The dangly beads certainly drew attention to the area, but I’m not sure I’d want this for a regular night on the town. I do, however, think this would be a good addition to a stipping “outfit” and I look forward to wearing these on stage.

Check out the Arabesque Body Jewelry Clit Caresser on the Sex Toy page. And if you’re looking for some more traditional window dressing take a look at the lingerie and clothing section.

About a year ago I was frustrated with the hoops I had to jump through just to get a birth control prescription for something I had taken for the better part of 3 years. I wasn’t having unprotected sex, it wasn’t really an issue, so I went off birth control. Recently I decided to get back on for a variety of reasons, but discovered that despite having both health and prescription coverage, no history of high blood pressure, no history of STIs or abnormal paps, a recent (less than year old) medical exam on file, and not smoking I could not easily obtain birth control.

My student health center required me to make a “women’s” appointment which was not available until June. The health center that provides my primary care required “family planning counseling” before they would refer me to a OB/GYN for an exam and a prescription — this is a multi week process requiring and the counseling basically assumes I am not capable of making my own decisions about my body. Finally I made an appointment with a women’s community clinic, but their earliest appointment was in mid-May, about a week after my next period so that I would lose a month waiting for the app. and a second month waiting to start the pill.

Fed up with the system and certain that there is another option I called my student health center again and requested a family planning appointment. Again I was told that one was not available until June. Then I tried something new — using my best Russian accent, my immigrant background, and my very best scared little girl voice I explained that my boyfriend hates condoms and I am very very scared of getting pregnant. I was transfered immediately to Urgent Care.

The Urgent Care nurse who answered started with “it’s ok honey” and then told me about how my boyfriend can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. In case he already had, she told me I should come in on Thursday of next week (one week from the day I called) to take a pregnancy test and talk about my “options.” She then confirmed that this would be before I expect my next period so that I can start birth control right away. She explained Family Pact, a California family planning provision that would provide me with free birth control if I’m not pregnant and prenatal and maternity care if I am, and said someone would meet me 15 minutes before my appointment to help me fill out the forms. Did I need a Russian speaker to help me? No, I think I can do this in English. Can I avoid unprotected sex until next Thursday? Yes, I’ll try to do just that.

Did I lie? No, not outright. I am a non-native English speaker. I do have a low income because I am a graduate student. I am sleeping with someone who dislikes condoms, and I am scared of becoming pregnant. I never said I was having unprotected sex or that my boyfriend had done anything beyond disliking condoms in some abstract fashion. But did I misrepresent my socioeconomic background? Oh hell yes.

When I was presenting as organized, composed, articulate, and safe I was unable to get an important medication for at the earliest one month and was asked to pay between $15 and $60 per month for it. When I presented as victim, scared, unsafe, and a non-native English speaker I was able to get an appointment on one week turnaround and free access to the medication I need.

Is it just me, or is this messed up?

So there is an interesting twist on this whole sex positive thing that I just wanted to mentioned because it’s come up a bunch recently. Think of this as a placeholder for a post…

If sex is something women have and men want how does this impact men’s self confidence? I’ve heard a few men express that it is novel to feel sexually wanted, not because they were not sexually wanted in the past but because there is not a space in which that is typically expressed. This is remarkable because all of the conversations I have had about this with all the various people these conversations have happened were in the last couple of months. Why is it so new and crazy to think that maybe men want to know that they are found attractive and desirable? I mean I want to hear that expressed by a partner…

In any case, bed time…

Someone did in fact ask why it might be hard for some people to orgasm with a partner if most of their orgasms have been through masturbation. I should first clarify that question to say “…if they can masturbate to orgasm successfully.” And while we are clarifying let me make two disclaimers:

1) I am not a medical professional. If sex is painful or if this is an ongoing problem which impacts your quality of life please seek medical advice.
2) Most human beings across all cultures masturbate during their lifetimes, and masturbation does not carry any particular health risks.

And now to answer the question…I don’t know if the person asking was male or female so I’ll make my answer kinda general.

Physical:
The way people masturbate is often different from the mechanics of partnered sex. You may have learned to masturbate in an environment of secrecy and so you do it quickly, but find that partnered sex doesn’t allow you to reach that tempo. Or maybe you find an angle from which to approach your own genitals that feels soo good, but is harder to do with partnered sex. Your body gets used to the way you’ve been getting it off and expects that kind of contact; you change things up, don’t go fast enough, or don’t hit the right spots and suddenly it doesn’t work. Keep in mind also that many women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. So what do you do? Pay attention to how you masturbate, how your partnered sex looks and what physical differences exist there in. You can then try masturbating in a way that is more reflective of partnered sex or adding toys to partnered sex to make sure you’re hitting all the right spots.

Mental/emotional:
Ok, maybe it’s all in your head. Are you aroused? Do you find your partner attractive? Are you confidant that your partner finds you attractive? Is the environment comfortable or is your roommate coming home any moment? Did you have a negative experience that you are afraid will happen again? Take stock of the reactions your having and what you’re thinking about during partnered sex and during masturbation and then find a way to talk to your partner as well as a relaxed, comfortable space to have sex in.

Feel free to comment with more questions or advice.

It’s 2am and I am awake although I did not just get home. In fact I got home hours ago, crashed, and now can’t sleep anymore. Instead I’m in blog land. Today (yesterday?) I suppose this whole weekend is the first part of a 60 hour sex educator training I’m taking. It’s…well it is a lot less challenging than I was told to expect. Perhaps this will change, but for the moment the challenging part is waking up at two o’clock in the morning wanting to cry about the time I don’t have. This tendency, I am told, is common among grad students and new mothers. Guess which one I am!

On the sexual education front I have learned “this is outside my scope of practice and it would be unethical for me to answer this question.” I think this is a fancy way of saying “I’m not sure I can answer that have you tried < insert book or name of doctor here >” which was my standard response to all those medical, legal, and ethical quandaries. Beyond that I learned that some people have a strong reaction to seeing anal fisting for the first time and I do not, and that some people are challenged by the age of consent and definition of adult being fluid and I am not. I think there were other things I should have found challenging but instead thought was a nice refresher on things I’d already done. I got a name for the part of communication that is largely listening. “Positive-neutral response” meaning when you hold a open facial expression and say things like “yes, ok, would you like to tell me more about that?, sure, ok” while someone tells you their deepest darkest fantasies. And yet it is something I had done before under the name “active listening.”

I tried really hard to find a sexual fantasy I have not told some partner at some point and really couldn’t think of one. I told a stranger about learning to masturbate, and found out why it is sometimes hard for some people to orgasm with a partner if most of their orgasms have been through masturbation for a long time and what to do about it. (Ask me if you want more details on this.) I learned “some” “many” “most” as a way to normalize. “Many men enjoy intercourse.” “Most people in the world masturbate at some point in their lives.” “Some people use mutual masturbation as foreplay.” My B.A. in sociology brain doesn’t think that some many and most is a good statistical measure but by and large the wording isn’t challenging.

I hope this will get more challenging because 52 more hours of refresher will make me cry. It’s not that I wouldn’t recommend the training, it’s just, well, I think there actually is a limit on how much time I can spend thinking about sex, communication, and communication about sex.

Remember that old advice about meeting your husband at the door wearing nothing but your best pearls and holding a martini? I’m a little challenged in the drink making department so I was delighted when I got a little extra help in the looking hot naked department instead.

The Regard Indiscret Set from Babeland is the kind of thing you get yourself as a present to your boyfriend. (I’d say girlfriend but you might get in a fight over who gets to wear the boa!) The set features a black feather boa, black tassel pasties, an adjustable pearl belt, and some cute little candles for dramatic effect. All this comes in a pretty tin box that you can repurpose later.

I wasn’t sure about getting all these things as a set, but I’ll admit I couldn’t wait to show them off once I opened the box. The whole thing just makes you feel sexy. I love the way the feather boa feels against my naked breasts, and the pearl belt sets off my hips rather nicely. Candles are a nice touch in any romantic setting, just be careful about open flames when you’re, um, distracted. And believe it or not this is the first pair of pasties I’ve owned; they are adorable, but I’m still learning to twirl…

Anyway, I’d say this is a wonderful set to get for a special occasion. And don’t worry if you’re shy, just drape the boa over your bare shoulders, make up a pin-up name and pretend you’re someone else!

I was talking to a friend last night about the tendency to not consider kink to be sexual or kinky relationships to be Relationships [sic]. It’s odd, like some people are kinky weekend warriors. Kink is a guilty pleasure they never think about unless they’re doing it — like fantasy football.

The person I spoke to about this has had more than her share of bad experiences trying to relate to someone who only wanted to talk to her in the dungeon. It’s a contextual miss-match, and if you happen to be the full time kinky person involved, it’s insulting.

A relative of mine (who has spent the better part of the last 25 years in an open marriage) described being the other woman as follows:
The other woman is like the theater. You go to the theater when you’re bored and want some color in your life. The theater doesn’t, in general, call you and ask you to see more shows, or to see last night’s show again. It doesn’t have a birthday, or a favorite color. It is something you fit into your life when time and budget permit and don’t miss much otherwise.

Now there are many ways to do open relationships and many ways to be the other woman, but by and large that “theater” space is the one that my friend and I find ourselves relegated to on the rare occasion that we have interacted with the kinky weekend warrior.

The confusing part is that I have been in relationships that were primarily friendships with occasional kink and those have been lovely. I don’t know what the difference was. Perhaps it was the distancing or lack there of? Perhaps shared context?

Imagine the soft glow of a candle, an aroma of orange and vanilla, your lover slowly dripping the hot wax on your back. But it doesn’t land burning hot as you expect. Instead it’s soft, warm, and sensual. It drips a river down your spine in that moment before he begins massaging your back and the wax dissolves into massage oil.

I love the idea of soy wax — I mean how many romantic things can you get in one package? You have candle light, something warm caressing your curves, massage…it’s just lovely. The Frosted glass soy candle from Sextoy.com also adds a nice aesthetic element with its frosted glass holder. The only thing I’m not in love with is the fact that the smell gets quite a bit stronger when you pour the wax. It’s pleasant, but if you’re sensitive to this kind of thing it might be overwhelming.

It works mostly like a normal candle — you light it and wait a while (I’m sure you can find a way to entertain yourselves while you wait). Once you get a nice pool of melted wax, blow out the flame and drip the wax on your lover. It has a low melting temperature so it shouldn’t get much hotter than bath water, and body temperature is warm enough to keep it liquid. Cleans up with soap and water, and best of all — you can put it on the coffee table and the neighbors will never know the difference!

Check out the Vanilla Orange Frosted Glass Soy Candle on the Sex Toys page or take a look at all the lubes and lotions.

Somedays I wonder if being spoiled can be qualified as a fetish. You see, it’s not that I need new shoes (I have, at last count, over 40 pairs) or that I can’t buy my own damn shoes, but that I actually just want someone else to buy me shoes.

It’s a shame prostitution doesn’t pay in Nine West gift cards…though the legalities would be a nightmare if it did!