Kink In Exile

Here is another one of those toys that I just melt over — the Fetish Fantasy studded Ace of Spades paddle. The heavy leather paddle is rimmed with metal studs and has the cutest heart shaped cutout in the middle. These are lovely decorative elements but they also serve a practical purpose — the cutout lowers air resistance making this toy easier to swing for harder blows (it also leaves cute, heart shaped, welts). The metal studs leave little round welts when you hit just right, and I am told by the object of my affection that the cold studs are a nice tactile contrast especially on hot bruised skin. I can’t seem to find this specific toy on Sextoy.com (maybe Domina can help me?!), but this toy looks very similar.

To be sure this toy is mean. The heart shape is a cruel tease…like so many of my favorite toys, it lulls you into a false sense of security before showing its true nature and making you beg and plead for mercy.

If you are looking for something a little less intense try the fantasy patent paddle by Fetish Fantasy. This stylish vinyl paddle lacks the weight to cause real damage but it’s still stingy enough to leave you smarting. It had a comfortably shaped handle, and a cute two-tone design. The lighter more flexible materials puts this toy squarely in the stingy category. It’s a great warm up toy too if you’re working your way up to something heavier like the Ace of Spades above.

Check out these toys as well as other fetish and BDSM toys on the Sex Toys page!

I recently read a post on Best Sex Bloggers about race play. Race retaliations are pretty controversial in America and I still have a hard time fully understanding that, but if some other popular fetishes serve as an indicator the controversy only makes it hotter. The Best Sex Blogger post quotes both a black man who enjoys race play and a black woman who is against it. Perhaps because of how both people handle their position on the matter I can agree with both. To say that the word nigger carries social baggage is putting it mildly. Think of your reaction to reading that word, and then consider the amplification of having it spoken, and then of having it spoken in an already power-ladened context. This is both sexy and disconcerting, but then what tools of BDSM aren’t?

I can relate to this, somewhat, through Nazi play. While I try not to begrudge other people their fun, Nazi play elicits an irrational level of anger for me. I can name 16 members of my family who died in concentration camps, and this is not sexy. Taking a step back, however, I can understand how the shared memory or oppression and fear, uniforms and ready-made roles, not to mention hot German men makes for good play. I was at a party a couple of months back where a young woman was held at gunpoint by a man in a SS uniform. This made me uncomfortable because I thought she was co-opting my cultural narrative to serve her own ends…until she turned around and I saw that in place of a yellow star she had a black triangle, and that made all the difference. It was no longer about my history and my people. Instead the story was about her as a lesbian, or a prostitute — it was about her own history of oppression, which she has decided to turn on its head and get off on. Not something I would do, but more power to those who would.

A couple of years ago the internet decided to be aware of sexual assault and livejournal exploded with posts that said “I am a survivor.”  That’s it — just four words.  At first it seemed kind of random and self indulgent, but then I read those four words a dozen times, two dozen; some of these women talked about rape and wrote about recovery, others never mentioned it before or since.  I knew, in theory, that a woman is sexually assaulted every two minutes in America*, but I had never visualized that data before.  A week later, like most things on the internet, people lost interest and the meme passed.  

I had reason to think about the effects of sexual assault recently, and it’s an interesting thing especially when it comes to play.  A lot of people have spoken to BDSM as a way to heal, and I can see that, but it doesn’t work that way for me.  I do my healing out of the dungeon, but beyond that, I come to kink as fantasy and erotic theater.  I don’t need permission to do the things I do, I just need a stage.  

Specific incidences of sexual violence are something I can heal from similarly to other trauma; it’s a type of healing our society supports.  Rape culture on the other hand is too prevalent, too constant to get over.  I wrote about it before (here for example), but what I mean by rape culture is the situation in which women are told to be careful because it is assumed that men will rape.  Women are told not to drink or stay out late because it is assumed that men will get drunk and violent, especially after dark.  It’s that moment when you realize that you can say yes and get fucked or you can say no and still get fucked that will make you go mad in the end.  That baseline fear that causes you to pick the well lit but longer rout, decline a drink from someone you might be interested in, and go to the ladies room in packs.  

I guess this post is a little premature since Sexual Assault Awareness Month isn’t until April, but in the mean time, I’d like to challenge you to imaging what the world would be like if we weren’t taught fear.

And for what it’s wroth — I’m a survivor…

* Somewhere in America, a woman is raped every 2 minutes, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.  How long did it take you to read this post?

“Filthy little slut.” This is the term of contention in the email exchange between myself and an editor. Too graphic? Insulting? Would “slut” be more approachable? No, slut is still insulting to women. Perhaps “girl?” But I find that insulting in context. “Pretty thing” “little girl” “baby” are all acceptable, but “slut” is, I am given to understand, off-putting and harsh; an insult to women’s sexuality and a liability when it comes to sales.

Let’s revisit this shall we? “Little girl” is an acceptable term to use with a grown woman in a sexual context. “Slut” is not. I wish I could say that my porn is not political, but I am starting to think that the act of writing pornography, and more specifically the act of writing pornography from a female perspective in which female characters are seen as strong and autonomous agents is a political act.

What other words do we have for a woman who does not need to be tricked into sex with the promise of love true love?

Thanks to the awesome folks at Sextoy.com I am giving away a Tuyo vibro masseur! To win post a comment with a 50-100 word porn short involving a Sextoy.com product that I have reviewed in the past. The writer of the sexiest porn short will be notified by April 1st, so get writing!

And as always feel free to check out all the varied sex toys or go directly to luxury sextoys.

Ever wanted to surprise a partner with something kinky? Or take some shared secret you know would drive him or her crazy with you to lunch? The bondage belt I just got from Sextoy.com is just that. It’s a thick leather belt with strategically placed metal rings, well metal squares actually. You can loop the belt through itself to create a pair of quick and dirty handcuffs. The internets seem to think that this is a cowboy innovation from the wild west, but I have a hard time picturing a herd of cattle in black leather bondage.

In any case, I wore this belt for the first time when I was planning to use it, and my partner in crime recognized the style right away, however, to the untrained eye it looks like a normal if somewhat butch belt. I’ve worn it as a belt to hold my pants up, and no one seemed to know the difference. And as a bondage device, it served it’s purpose. It is pretty easy to convert from belt to handcuffs, adjusts well to various wrist sizes and you get the benefit of that swoosh of leather through belt loops, which I love hearing. The major perk of a bondage belt over other restraints however, is that when you’re not using it for bondage you can use it to hit people with. The bondage belt is made of a nice thick leather, which makes a great snapping noise when it hits skin and the pointy belt tip leaves nice triangular welts.

I really like the portability and “pervertible” factor of this toy. Though one thing I will warn you about is that the metal rings make it wider than the average belt so if you’re wearing girly skinny jeans it might be too big for your belt loops. It worked for most of my pants though, so I still like it.

You can find the Bondage Belt on the sextoys page, or feel free to look at the whole collection of BDSM and fetish items.

I don’t remember who gave me this advice, but I know I’ve passed it on over countless cups of coffee, impossibly girly umbrella drinks, and long international phone calls: establish the lines of communication early.

Before you have relationship problems, while things are going really well and everyone’s happy — that’s the best time to lay the groundwork for good communication. Communicate about things that are working, communicate your intentions, talk about the weather for all I care, but dear god talk! Why? Because when things break down, and you’re hurt, upset, and insecure in the relationship the worst possible scenario is that you don’t know how to express it and your partner doesn’t know how to hear it.

Also, my sexuality is not a political statement. I have seen too many blogs in recent weeks about how all women are superior to all men. Matriarchy is the salvation of humanity and I must immediately demand the gentleman behind me a the grocery checkout fall to his knees and lick my boots while we both await the pimply kid behind the register.

To borrow a line from Sarah Jones — your revolution will not happen between these thighs.

What all of these ideas of female domination lack is respect for my desires. I’m going to say this again because it’s really important: if in seeking do submit to women you refuse to acknowledge the fact that not all women want to dominate you you have missed a really huge point. If you refuse to acknowledge the fact that some women get off on submission to men you have shown blatant disrespect for female sexuality. If you insist on calling me mistress despite the fact that I do not enjoy the title you have missed the point. If you are, in fact, unaware of the amount of effort and energy that I invest into the scenes I top then you are taking me for granted and have not moved one inch past the women as no-sex class issues endemic to patriarchy.

If you read this and didn’t understand, if you’re still going “but all I want is to serve you Mistress” tell me and I will try again.

My apologies for not getting you a weekly dose of sex toys recommendations…life has been exciting. But today I have a dilemma — what do you do with a massage oil that feels amazing but smells awful? The Inttimo Forbidden Fruit massage and bath oil feels divine. It is smooth without being greasy, gentle on my skin, and even warms up quickly. The bottle, which the I am told is patented by the company that owns Inttimo, is even perfect for massage. It has this special thing in the cap that lets you spread the oil evenly without spilling it all over your bed. The problem, however, is the smell. One friend described it as “militant pineapple Jolly Rancher.” That seems about right to me — it just smells like candy. Now if you’re looking for something you’ll want to eat that works great, but not for a relaxing massage I’m afraid. It’s too bad this massage oil isn’t edible! In the mean time however, I’m going to put it in my bath and see if diffusing it helps.

You can find Inttimo Forbidden Fruit massage and bath oil on the sex toys page, or take a look at all lubes and lotions.

Instead I am reading back entries of Little Submissions. I thought you might want a reason not to sleep too!