Kink In Exile

There will not be any substantial posting until after Dec. 2^nd.  This is because I have gone on holiday to work on my tan (and hopefully my yoga practice).  The locals inform me that the rainy season isn’t over in the south, but the tsunami season has passed without a hitch and I am being quite optimistic. 

I am once again off to the doctors, but I’ll leave you with something to ponder…

Figleaf mentioned the sexual freedom created by the feminist idea of “no means no” in two of his posts and this intrigues me. Of course growing up in the world of 3^rd wave feminism I took the idea of “no means no” and “no one asks to be abused” as a matter of course. However, what Figleaf points out is that these ideas give me the power to say yes. He articulates something I have been struggling with since moving to Asia.

You see, I noticed that I am a lot less sexual here; a lot less open to sexuality in general and a lot less desiring of sexual attention in specific. No can mean a lot of things here, but it does not, in general, mean “no, please stop this is not ok with me.” I don’t feel safe here and so energy I would otherwise spend on cultivating relationships I divert toward responding to, and coping with harassment. Furthermore, I don’t feel respected the way I do in the west. I don’t feel like all of my choices will be respected – only the socially acceptable ones. As Figleaf points out I have to think about what I am willing to say yes to because I do not later get the option of saying “No. Enough.”

Which brings me to the idea of nobody asks to be abused. I’m a masochist to some extent, I have often asked to be abused, but like the freedom of no means no I ask with the knowledge that my partner is deeply committed to equality and opposed to domestic violence. I ask to be abused for my own pleasure and I know without a doubt that if I did not ask I would not get hit.

Contrary to what neo-conservative feminists may believe I engage in kinky sex, SM, non-monogamy, or even heteronormative intercourse not in spite of women’s liberation, but because of it. Knowing that when I say “no” it will be respected allows me to say yes to all the things I am interested in without fear. It opens a whole new world of possibilities that were not possible under the virgin/whore paradigm, or if they were came with too high a price. And that is fundamentally the difference between sex in my tribe and sex in exile…when my “no” isn’t respected I am not willing to say “yes.”

[This is part of another project I'm working on. It is a work in progress and editorial remarks would make me all sorts of happy...]

Welcome to the big bad world of whips and chains. “You are doing this for pleasure, usually your own; if it’s not fun, stop.” This is the most useful piece of advice I got when I entered the BDSM scene, and it is the first piece of advice I want to give you. Understand first and foremost that what you do here is your choice, you are pursuing your own desires, acting on your fantasies.

Remember that this is about you when you are introduced to Master or Mistress Big Shot who will insist that all bottoms kneel at all times or real tops never take their clothes off, and don’t listen to them. You have navigated your way through the heteronormative culture, found your way to the leather-covered back corner of the queer world. This is where the fun begins, but first you have to trust yourself, trust your experience and your desires, let Mistress Bigshot play with Real Slave; you don’t need them. But here are some things you may want to think about…

History: Learn your history and respect your elders (just like your Sunday school teacher said). You may have heard of the Old Guard – leather clad men rejecting the status quo and setting into motion a side of the sexual revolution hippie feminists never imagined. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the Old Guard – these people had the courage and strength to create a space for me to write this letter, and for you to read it. They opened the dialogue of leather sex and their sacrifices paved the way for our successes. However, I am damn glad I missed those years. The Old Guard is marked by a plethora of rules and protocols; most of the kink scenes you’ll find these days are a lot more free form. And by the way, anyone under the age of 50 claiming to be Old Guard either means they fetishize Old Guard style protocols, or they are about to tell you how you are having the wrong kind of sex. Respecting your elders doesn’t mean replicating their lives.

Creativity: Before you go out and buy $500 worth of leather toys figure out what you already have. Can you think of creative uses for clothes pins? Wooden spoons? You can spend hundreds of dollars on paddles, floggers, and rubber clothes, but if you’re living on a college student budget you probably don’t want to. If you are just getting the BDSM scene I know the toys can be tempting, but they will still be at the shop next time you come by and you might have a better idea of what you’re into by then. Unless of course it has been your lifelong dream to be wiped by a girl with a pink bunny tail holding a bright purple whip in which case you want to go right out and buy said tail and whip (try Coyote Whips for colorful designs).

Community: Well ok, there are plenty of kinky people who want nothing to do with other kinky people outside their bedrooms, but if you have ever gone to a GSA meeting or a gay pride event you’ve probably realized that community comes with quite a few advantages. Besides, the best place to meet kinky partners is at kink community events. I’ve seen kink events happen in some unlikely places (Atlanta, Georgia anyone?) so you don’t have to be in New York or San Francisco to find the kink community. Get online and google for some groups in your area. Most will have a regular event called a “munch,” this is a casual non-play event that is open to the public, and usually held in a public space. It’s a nice, low pressure, low commitment way to meet people in your area. One thing to remember is that these events tend to be discreet so you might not be able to tell the leather social from the librarians Wednesday night get-together. Email the organizer in advance and ask where the event will be specifically and if there is someone or something you can look for.

Patience: After years of secret desires and angst filled fantasies you’ve finally found yourself on the dungeon doorstep. Oh who am I kidding? With the advent of the internet do they still have secrets? But in any case, you are here, and ready to explore your not so secret desires at your local leather community center or industrial-loft-turned-dungeon. You’ve read the books, you bought the toys, and you are ready to take a stab at this whole kinky sex thing, but there is just one problem. You don’t have a partner, or maybe you’re in a small conservative town and no one invited you to the dungeon because it really is a secret. Don’t give up, don’t jump on the first band wagon that comes along either. Getting in to the kink scene can be a slow process (unless of course you happen to be lucky enough to live in New York or San Francisco). I started in a fairly large city and it still took me a while to build enough trust in my community to get the coveted private party invite. Furthermore, what we do takes a certain amount of skill to do safely, and of course skill comes from practice. You will probably not be able to swing a whip accurately on the first try; keep trying. And if you’re a bottom this is not the part you get to skim over – I know you’re eager to get out there and experience all these cool things, but take some time to figure out what you want, what you need, and most importantly what your limits are, and then learn to communicate all that to your partner.

I used to run a munch for my local TNG group (TNG stands for The Next Generation and is an offshoot of larger BDSM organizations geared to people between the ages of 18 and 35) and one of the most frequent emails I would get would be a new group member describing in detail his or her fantasy and asking for advice on how to make it happen right now. The only real answer I can give is that some things are worth the wait. Good play partners, and that one scene you’ve always dreamed of are certainly worth waiting for. In the mean time, enjoy the ride and see what you can learn.

The last guy I dated won my heart by bringing me peanut M&Ms and bagels. Forget the flowers, the NGO circus has its own notions of romance.

The kind of work I’m doing, and the kind of work my partner was doing creates some rather bizarre situations. We rode elephants on our dates, made pancakes in a wok, and watched baby goats on the side of the road. We cuddled as we watched Blood Diamonds with Thai subtitles in the home of another NGO couple, and discussed the humanitarian implications of engagement rings. We found creative, and often frustrating, ways to stay in touch while one or the both of us was located in a refugee camp or remote village with no cell phone reception.

I remember telling him the first time we had sex that I was afraid of some kind of ultra egalitarian politically correct something or other based on our shared humanitarian work. He laughed. We had both been steeped in the alt sex scene and this wasn’t about the goddess and the mother earth.

What I have found is that NGO workers by and large date other NGO workers. This makes sense…I think a man covered in a weeks worth of refugee camp dirt is sexy, other more reasonable people might fear leprosy. In all earnest though, the lives we live as humanitarian workers are strange, we are all a little crazy (some of us more than a little) we all have daily routines that make no sense to the average city dweller. It is nice not to worry about how you clean your vegetables because you’ve both been brushing your teeth with the tap water for months. It’s nice to be engrained in the same cultural space both with respect to expat communities and local communities. It’s nice not to have to defend your life choices to businessmen. And you know, how many other people do you know who think playing with a baby elephants is a nice relaxing date activity to be followed by a picnic?

Too bad kinky NGO workers seem to be hard to come by…