Kink In Exile

There is a pretty popular belief that as soon as you try to explain why you haven’t posted in a while your blog explodes in a flaming ball of logic, your readers take you off their RSS feeds and you disappear. I have to say, I am tempted to make excuses:

Gradschool ate my brain.
Work ate my brain.
I was catching up on my reading/sleep/crazy plan to take over the world.

The real reason I haven’t posted though, has a shaved head and a goatee. I love my boy, but it turns out that being in a relationship is not conducive to sex blogging. First there are the sordid details I don’t want to share with the whole wide world. Maybe they are private, but more likely, they need context. They are imbued with the moods and details of our every day existence, and it is really hard to write something in the spirit it was done without that context.

Moreover, relationships are by definition stable, and stability leads to less newness, less “wow I never saw that before I should blog about it.” On the other hand, this is also new and somewhat uncharted territory for me. What I am hoping will save this blog is spring. Spring is when I, and many others, develop a sudden and overwhelming crush on the world. It’s when I look around in hopes of shacking up with someone new, call the people I haven’t spoken to all year and flirt it up on the dance floor. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Craigslist…

I was reading this post on Biochemistry and a Submissive Girl, and thinking about how the bloggers I follow haven’t been posting as much. It makes me sad because a lot of my inspiration comes from these amazing, insightful, sexy people. What happened?

I know a number of us have started or ended significant relationships over the last year. I know I have. And then there are other life factors, work dissertations, thesis proposals. But you know, I miss the good old days.

If you’re a blogger what causes you to write more or less frequently?

I don’t think so. Ok, so I’m particularly in work-head today having dressed up like a grown up for a meeting with my creative director, but this post isn’t really about dress code. This is a post, one of many, about being so many other things before I’m a domme. In this post Advo discusses his real estate agent as a possible domme, and you know, it bothers me. Not that he is attracted to her all together but that what draws his attention and fuels the post is not the introduction of a competent and experienced agent but rather that of the possibility of a dominant woman. I’ve seen this elsewhere too — the appraising post, the idle chatter on a submissive man’s blog about whether the grumpy bus driver/lady at the cafe/secretary is secretly dominant.

It makes me wonder if people think this way about me? If they hear “human computer interaction…” and tune out to thoughts of being beaten with looped optical fiber. I hope not. I can’t imagine that an interaction with anyone who doesn’t see me as a complete holistic being and is not paying for the privilege of seeing only what they want to see will go far. The bottom line is that it’s downright offensive and if you are going presume to be submissive you could start with a little bit of respect of the kind you afford any other business contact.

Many of my readers know who I am. They knew me before I started this blog, or they met me at some sex blogger meet-up somewhere. But I wonder what this says to readers who don’t know me. I’ve been trying to get back into blog reading recently, and it’s always an interesting process discovering a new blog, becoming intimate with a stranger. Were we in the same place last night, and you didn’t know it until I blogged about that hot scene I watched? Are we next door neighbors? I know I read blogs kept by others in my fair city, and it’s not that big a city. I’ve been reading Sex and the Ivy and it seems so familiar — if I close my eyes I can see fall hitting Harvard yard, flame red leaves on a dying quad and paper Tealuxe cup burning my hands as I cut past red brick buildings and bronze statues (but not the original yellow house) to the other side of the square and that strange cluster of museums. And yet, I’m almost certain I’ve never met Lena, never even heard of the Harvard sex scandal (at least not one she describes) until this morning.

I wonder too about the impact of my blog on the people in my life. I know the consequences of having this blog come back to me, but I also publish porn under my real name — I don’t have my heart set on running for school superintendent any time soon. What happens when my boyfriend’s boss reads my blog though? I guess this is why I remind him that I blog about my sex over and over again (and why I don’t date politicians and parents

When I started this blog I had to contend not only with personal privacy, but also a heavily monitored and censored internet connection. Since getting back to the states I’ve slaked on the privacy front — I’ve posted pictures, logged on without a proxy, and given readers much stronger geographical ties than “south east asia near an elephant hospital.” Still I believe now as I believed then privacy is a polite falsehood. I don’t break the law in meaningful ways and the FBI doesn’t dust off my file. I don’t come to work in handcuffs and my boss doesn’t ask about my Friday night. The best you can do is not do the things you wouldn’t survive the world knowing.

I’m reading Domme Chronicles archives and all I can think about is how much I want to hurt him, and I wonder if I have a whip, or maybe a strap that’s the right length so that I could beat him while I fuck his pretty ass.

I always get my meanest ideas while reading others’ exploits…

This post can also be labeled “I have no knowledge of my history but it’s real serious leather so it must be Old Guard!”

I recently had reason to look into the idea of collaring. This is an interesting concept because like many issues of protocol it requires me to wade through a plethora of miss-information and opinion-as-fact merely to find some simple things: when did collaring become popular in BDSM circles and under what circumstances, what are some common physical considerations in choosing collars, and what are some useful emotional considerations.

One of the first articles I came across was this piece from Albany Power Exchange. This article states, in it’s naturally authoritative voice, “The first collar offered is called the ‘Collar of Consideration’. This identification comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane and Consensual code.” Well this is fine and good except that Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) is largely attributed to a mid-1980s (I’ve seen both 1983 and 1984 listed as the correct year) Gay Male SM Activists publication. The mid 1980s, I will point out, was somewhat after what is generally referred to as the Old Guard period.

So let’s review — I went looking for sexual information. I found an article that divides BDSM communities into pre-internet (good) and post-internet (bad). This article puts forth the author’s opinion as the one right way of using collars in a scene and uses tradition and authority of elders as the pillars on which the author’s opinion is to stand. This article then provides factually false information invoking those same pillars of tradition and authority (you agree with SSC, so you must agree with what I say about collaring)

So here are 5 easy things to think about when doing research (kinky or otherwise):
1) Check your sources — how do you know what you know? Is your data coming from the CIA, a research institution, or the kid who lives on your floor? Is the article you are reading peer reviewed?
2) Check multiple sources — are you getting different numbers from different sources? Do your sources have different agendas?
3) Check publication dates — there was a time when the sun went around the earth and all the best scientists of the day would have told you so. Make sure your information is up to date; this is especially vital with medical information.
4) Fact or opinion? — Fact: collaring is a known practice in BDSM communities. Opinion: Collaring ceremonies are only valid between people who play really really hard. (Oh, and I will support my fact by saying that the many articles written on the subject and posted to BDSM community boards are indicative of a shared experience or in-group behavior.)
5) Validity based on what — Does the article provide data from a well-known source, or peer reviewed study, or does it ask you to believe what it says is true because it’s Tradition?

Someone did in fact ask why it might be hard for some people to orgasm with a partner if most of their orgasms have been through masturbation. I should first clarify that question to say “…if they can masturbate to orgasm successfully.” And while we are clarifying let me make two disclaimers:

1) I am not a medical professional. If sex is painful or if this is an ongoing problem which impacts your quality of life please seek medical advice.
2) Most human beings across all cultures masturbate during their lifetimes, and masturbation does not carry any particular health risks.

And now to answer the question…I don’t know if the person asking was male or female so I’ll make my answer kinda general.

Physical:
The way people masturbate is often different from the mechanics of partnered sex. You may have learned to masturbate in an environment of secrecy and so you do it quickly, but find that partnered sex doesn’t allow you to reach that tempo. Or maybe you find an angle from which to approach your own genitals that feels soo good, but is harder to do with partnered sex. Your body gets used to the way you’ve been getting it off and expects that kind of contact; you change things up, don’t go fast enough, or don’t hit the right spots and suddenly it doesn’t work. Keep in mind also that many women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. So what do you do? Pay attention to how you masturbate, how your partnered sex looks and what physical differences exist there in. You can then try masturbating in a way that is more reflective of partnered sex or adding toys to partnered sex to make sure you’re hitting all the right spots.

Mental/emotional:
Ok, maybe it’s all in your head. Are you aroused? Do you find your partner attractive? Are you confidant that your partner finds you attractive? Is the environment comfortable or is your roommate coming home any moment? Did you have a negative experience that you are afraid will happen again? Take stock of the reactions your having and what you’re thinking about during partnered sex and during masturbation and then find a way to talk to your partner as well as a relaxed, comfortable space to have sex in.

Feel free to comment with more questions or advice.

It’s 2am and I am awake although I did not just get home. In fact I got home hours ago, crashed, and now can’t sleep anymore. Instead I’m in blog land. Today (yesterday?) I suppose this whole weekend is the first part of a 60 hour sex educator training I’m taking. It’s…well it is a lot less challenging than I was told to expect. Perhaps this will change, but for the moment the challenging part is waking up at two o’clock in the morning wanting to cry about the time I don’t have. This tendency, I am told, is common among grad students and new mothers. Guess which one I am!

On the sexual education front I have learned “this is outside my scope of practice and it would be unethical for me to answer this question.” I think this is a fancy way of saying “I’m not sure I can answer that have you tried < insert book or name of doctor here >” which was my standard response to all those medical, legal, and ethical quandaries. Beyond that I learned that some people have a strong reaction to seeing anal fisting for the first time and I do not, and that some people are challenged by the age of consent and definition of adult being fluid and I am not. I think there were other things I should have found challenging but instead thought was a nice refresher on things I’d already done. I got a name for the part of communication that is largely listening. “Positive-neutral response” meaning when you hold a open facial expression and say things like “yes, ok, would you like to tell me more about that?, sure, ok” while someone tells you their deepest darkest fantasies. And yet it is something I had done before under the name “active listening.”

I tried really hard to find a sexual fantasy I have not told some partner at some point and really couldn’t think of one. I told a stranger about learning to masturbate, and found out why it is sometimes hard for some people to orgasm with a partner if most of their orgasms have been through masturbation for a long time and what to do about it. (Ask me if you want more details on this.) I learned “some” “many” “most” as a way to normalize. “Many men enjoy intercourse.” “Most people in the world masturbate at some point in their lives.” “Some people use mutual masturbation as foreplay.” My B.A. in sociology brain doesn’t think that some many and most is a good statistical measure but by and large the wording isn’t challenging.

I hope this will get more challenging because 52 more hours of refresher will make me cry. It’s not that I wouldn’t recommend the training, it’s just, well, I think there actually is a limit on how much time I can spend thinking about sex, communication, and communication about sex.

Has anyone else noticed that the makers of BDSM toys have abysmal websites? I mean high contrast graphical backgrounds, frames that don’t load clearly or resize well, animated gifs? Good lord I made websites better than this in ‘98 and that seems to be the last time they updated too!

I don’t get it. I especially don’t get it in light of how many kinky geeks I know. I’m wondering if I can barter graphic design and web work for sex toys, or should we be above good interface design cause kink is more important?

In other news I was at Mr. S for an art opening last night, and happened to ask about rattan canes since I’m in the market. Turns out they no longer sell unfinished rattan ’cause it’s porous and they would like to protect people from themselves. Um, ok. So yes, you should in fact be careful when using unfinished rattan because it is in fact porous and as such can cross contaminate. This is why I wanted one specifically for the person I’m planning to use it on — except they will sell me things with which to mummify people and limit their oxygen supply but not raw rattan. Very good, but where do I get rattan?

If you’re about to say the internet, I tried. I looked through a few websites that were so disorganized and slow to load I didn’t stick around long enough to figure out if they could help me. So, in San Francisco, where do I get a good old fashioned unfinished rattan cane. With a normal dipped handle is fine.

Also, my sexuality is not a political statement. I have seen too many blogs in recent weeks about how all women are superior to all men. Matriarchy is the salvation of humanity and I must immediately demand the gentleman behind me a the grocery checkout fall to his knees and lick my boots while we both await the pimply kid behind the register.

To borrow a line from Sarah Jones — your revolution will not happen between these thighs.

What all of these ideas of female domination lack is respect for my desires. I’m going to say this again because it’s really important: if in seeking do submit to women you refuse to acknowledge the fact that not all women want to dominate you you have missed a really huge point. If you refuse to acknowledge the fact that some women get off on submission to men you have shown blatant disrespect for female sexuality. If you insist on calling me mistress despite the fact that I do not enjoy the title you have missed the point. If you are, in fact, unaware of the amount of effort and energy that I invest into the scenes I top then you are taking me for granted and have not moved one inch past the women as no-sex class issues endemic to patriarchy.

If you read this and didn’t understand, if you’re still going “but all I want is to serve you Mistress” tell me and I will try again.