Kink In Exile

I was trying to understand why I haven’t felt like posting recently. At first it was a time crunch, then a medical concern, more work deadlines, and then I didn’t feel like I had anything to write about. I didn’t want to spend all my words talking about the latest in dildo technology (though a cool new toy did get me back in the groove for this post), but I didn’t have much else to say. I realized that not only was I not spending much of my energy and resources writing about sex, I also wasn’t spending much energy exploring sex. It’s an odd shift for me.

Is this nature taking its course? The reasonable and normal result of moving to a gated community and updating my makeup to understated glam? The consequence of working in conservative cultures? Has my occasional long skirt crossed the line from community (or host country) integration to personal statement?! Or have I just shifted priorities, putting out one too many fires to keep the home fire burning?

Honestly, I couldn’t say. Am I satisfied with my sex life? Yes. Has it changed in the last two years? Yes. The reasoning behind this change probably comes down to a number of factors ranging from opportunities and availability to a sense of “been there done that.” And while I’m not interested in changing my sex life right now, I have been thinking about actions that create a space for sensuality in your (or my) life.

Ok, I won’t lie, I was at the doctor’s office the other day — one of those suburban operations where everyone seems to be trying to have a baby at 40, and picked up a copy of Conceive magazine. As you can imagine, it is all about how to boost conception – something I’m not interested in at the moment. However, it had an interesting article about being (and getting) in the mood. Sex educators, parents, and would-be parents among you may be aware that it isn’t uncommon to lose your sex drive when trying to have a baby especially if conception is proving difficult, if you are using fertility medication, or even if you are just trying to time sex to happen during fertility peaks. The Conceive article, however, had some useful if common sense tips on feeling sexy regardless of your views on children.

Tips like get more exercise, take time off, and pamper yourself are hard to argue with really. Unfortunately they can also be hard to follow. I have made and broken more exercise resolutions than I can name this year despite having several fitness options within blocks of my home (not to mention in my home). I haven’t had enough time to think about taking time off and pampering myself is one of those things that requires time and ends up at the bottom of the to-do list. Whether these are the real reasons behind my changing relationship to sex or not, I’m not sure. However, I am about to have a lot more time in my day, and I’m going to see how, if at all, that changes things.

How does your lifestyle support or interfere with your sex life? Have you made any lifestyle changes specifically to address some component of your sex life? If so what were they?

I review a lot of sex toys, and one of the things I look for in my reviews, especially this time of year, is giftability. But can you really give a sex toy as a gift? Opinions vary. On first pass it may seem like a reasonable gift for a lover, but not a friend, but then what if your sex life has been rocky? It could be seen as patronizing. And I for one have given sex toys to friends with ease.

Can I give my wife/girlfriend/spouce a Christmas vibrator?
I would say that if your sex life is generally healthy and enjoyable for both of you, and your partner has not expressed any anti-sextoy sentiment then it’s safe to say yes. If you haven’t had sex in 3 months and it’s a point of contention in your relationship I recommend something more natural like a comfy bath robe or piece of jewelry.

Can I give sex toys to my friends?
Ok, so I have given sex toys to my (platonic) girlfriends. My best girlfriends, mind you. Usually this wasn’t a “I went out and bought you something” it was more like “I have a surplus of this thing I’m reviewing, do you want the extra?” If you’re getting sextoys for a friend keep it light. Vibrating rubber duck — sure. Extra large butt plug — let her get it for herself.

Can I get something sexy for my hot coworker?
No.

How do I pick a sex toy for someone else?
One of the reasons you should only get sextoys for people you know well is that they are hard to buy for other people. If you’re shopping for a partner, consider shopping with them. Otherwise go for something kinda cute, on the small side maybe. Alternately, consider a gift certificate and a card with a sexy promise.

I’m reading Helping Me Help Myself, a book in which Beth Lisick describes her experience following the advice of ten self help books over the course of a year. I’m on the chapter about marriage and Lisick is reading Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. I don’t think I can subject myself to that kind of insanity especially as I am working on being less angry just now. From what Lisick writes of the book however, it seems that Mars/Venus uses (pop)psychology to explain away difficulties and attribute them to what is in my opinion over-blown gender differences. One things caught my attention in that it made systems of appreciation gender-based — to make a woman happy do nice things for her, be helpful, and put the toilet seat down. To make a man happy appreciate all the nice things he does for you and give him rewards. Seems a little narrow to me, but ok.

Anyway, I decided to write up my own marriage advice. Take it with a grain of salt, do your own research, and don’t sue me if it doesn’t work.

1) Love means never having to ask is complete and total bullshit. If you want something you should ask for it. Don’t call your partner and start on a rant of “I’m just so behind today and there’s no way I can stop at the store and I’m hungry and I really wish I didn’t have to stop at the store and I have a late meeting” in hopes that your partner will say “oh, honey, do you want me to take you out for dinner?” Instead just call and say, “Honey can you stop at the store on your way home, I’m having a hard day.” Be prepared that they may say no, but hey, they might say yes.

2) Men seems to like it when you tell them that they turn you on. I sure as hell like wiggling my butt first thing in the morning and feeling my partner get excited so I’d say this isn’t a gendered thing. Tell your partner or spouse that they make you hot, show them the proof, take your time to tease or send a naughty text in the middle of the day. Stay sexually connected. If your partner doesn’t turn you on you should probably do something about this — consider a book (erotic or self help) or a toy to share. A June 3rd New York Times article, When Sex Leaves the Marriage, says that on average married couples in America have sex 58 times per year and also states “There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.” So you see, sex is important.

3) Talk. Ok, obviously you need to talk if there’s a problem, but talk when there isn’t a problem. Make time for eachother, know your partner’s interest, ask what they’ve done today. seriously, how many couples do you see who have nothing to talk about, no shared interests, where one partner doesn’t know what the other does for a living and doesn’t care. How do you build a connection on that?

4) Ignore relationship advice and do what seems right for your relationship. Enough said.

5) Find out how your partner likes to be appreciated and appreciate them in that way. If they think a card says it all, don’t build them a spice rack or make dinner and neglect the card just cause you want a spice rack.

Again, this is marriage advice from someone who has never ever been married, so take it with a huge grain of salt. I take no responsibility for marriages, divorces, babies, book sales, or sex related accidents resulting from this post. Use at your own risk.

This post can also be labeled “I have no knowledge of my history but it’s real serious leather so it must be Old Guard!”

I recently had reason to look into the idea of collaring. This is an interesting concept because like many issues of protocol it requires me to wade through a plethora of miss-information and opinion-as-fact merely to find some simple things: when did collaring become popular in BDSM circles and under what circumstances, what are some common physical considerations in choosing collars, and what are some useful emotional considerations.

One of the first articles I came across was this piece from Albany Power Exchange. This article states, in it’s naturally authoritative voice, “The first collar offered is called the ‘Collar of Consideration’. This identification comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane and Consensual code.” Well this is fine and good except that Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) is largely attributed to a mid-1980s (I’ve seen both 1983 and 1984 listed as the correct year) Gay Male SM Activists publication. The mid 1980s, I will point out, was somewhat after what is generally referred to as the Old Guard period.

So let’s review — I went looking for sexual information. I found an article that divides BDSM communities into pre-internet (good) and post-internet (bad). This article puts forth the author’s opinion as the one right way of using collars in a scene and uses tradition and authority of elders as the pillars on which the author’s opinion is to stand. This article then provides factually false information invoking those same pillars of tradition and authority (you agree with SSC, so you must agree with what I say about collaring)

So here are 5 easy things to think about when doing research (kinky or otherwise):
1) Check your sources — how do you know what you know? Is your data coming from the CIA, a research institution, or the kid who lives on your floor? Is the article you are reading peer reviewed?
2) Check multiple sources — are you getting different numbers from different sources? Do your sources have different agendas?
3) Check publication dates — there was a time when the sun went around the earth and all the best scientists of the day would have told you so. Make sure your information is up to date; this is especially vital with medical information.
4) Fact or opinion? — Fact: collaring is a known practice in BDSM communities. Opinion: Collaring ceremonies are only valid between people who play really really hard. (Oh, and I will support my fact by saying that the many articles written on the subject and posted to BDSM community boards are indicative of a shared experience or in-group behavior.)
5) Validity based on what — Does the article provide data from a well-known source, or peer reviewed study, or does it ask you to believe what it says is true because it’s Tradition?

Someone did in fact ask why it might be hard for some people to orgasm with a partner if most of their orgasms have been through masturbation. I should first clarify that question to say “…if they can masturbate to orgasm successfully.” And while we are clarifying let me make two disclaimers:

1) I am not a medical professional. If sex is painful or if this is an ongoing problem which impacts your quality of life please seek medical advice.
2) Most human beings across all cultures masturbate during their lifetimes, and masturbation does not carry any particular health risks.

And now to answer the question…I don’t know if the person asking was male or female so I’ll make my answer kinda general.

Physical:
The way people masturbate is often different from the mechanics of partnered sex. You may have learned to masturbate in an environment of secrecy and so you do it quickly, but find that partnered sex doesn’t allow you to reach that tempo. Or maybe you find an angle from which to approach your own genitals that feels soo good, but is harder to do with partnered sex. Your body gets used to the way you’ve been getting it off and expects that kind of contact; you change things up, don’t go fast enough, or don’t hit the right spots and suddenly it doesn’t work. Keep in mind also that many women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. So what do you do? Pay attention to how you masturbate, how your partnered sex looks and what physical differences exist there in. You can then try masturbating in a way that is more reflective of partnered sex or adding toys to partnered sex to make sure you’re hitting all the right spots.

Mental/emotional:
Ok, maybe it’s all in your head. Are you aroused? Do you find your partner attractive? Are you confidant that your partner finds you attractive? Is the environment comfortable or is your roommate coming home any moment? Did you have a negative experience that you are afraid will happen again? Take stock of the reactions your having and what you’re thinking about during partnered sex and during masturbation and then find a way to talk to your partner as well as a relaxed, comfortable space to have sex in.

Feel free to comment with more questions or advice.

I’ve heard this question a lot, on blogs, in email, and even over drinks. I’ve tried to answer it, and time and time again felt that my answers were too vague or too personal, so I’m trying something new. I recently started playing with someone new, and noticed that he did some things very right from the start. Thinking back, a number of my partners have hit these points right on. So what do dominant women want? Well in the interest of not being too vague, I’m going to go through those points one by one with specific examples. In the interest of not being too personal, I’ve invited my friend Ironrose to collaborate on this post, and I invite my readers to comment.

As a disclaimer, this is not a comprehensive list of what all dominant women want.  It is impossible to make a comprehensive list of what all women want, or what any other statistically significant portion of the human race wants.  However, this is a starting point that illustrates some themes that might apply to a few dominant women.  We’re also using male pronouns because most questions I get on this topic are from men, and because I am using a man as my primary data point.  The list probably applies mostly in America, and possibly only on the coasts, and maybe even only to educated, geeky, 20-something, queer-identified dominant women.  This is why we welcome reader feedback and peer review!

I spent the last couple of days in New York, where I got to meet some great people, including a lot of fellow sex bloggers. The first, and very exciting, thing that I discovered is that people read me! I was introduced to Wendy Blackheart who responded with “oh, you’re kinkinexile!” This never happened before; I just assumed I write into a void despite the fact that my traffic is up 57% since the move from kinkinexile.wordpress.com.

The second thing I realized is that some of my readers are wondering “how is San Francisco exile?” Good question. The short answer is that I started this blog while I was working in very rural Thailand (I had a bike accident with a baby water buffalo level of rural) and my boyfriend was working in a refugee camp. I lived there for a year. I couldn’t go out at night because there were wild dogs off my compound, so I really did get a lot of writing done, blogging and otherwise. When I moved back to the US I thought about changing the name, but by that point had a large enough readership that I didn’t want to lose it. I was half expecting to move to the middle east shortly after getting back too. Now I guess it’s just inertia, the fear of lost readers, and the expectation that I will, sooner or later, end up in Burma that keeps the name going.

Inspired by the first point, I took a look at Google Analytics. I discovered that I have readers in some odd places (Bolivia and Syria for example) and that my readers are still primarily interested in “milking men.” I suspect this doesn’t mean what I think it means. However, for the handfull who found my blog by searching “NGO dating”: it’s really bloody hard, it’s insular and incestuous, but there is also a good bet that the people you meet will share many of your values. I would, however, caution against sleeping with Host Country Nationals. Personally, I see ethics issues there, but even leaving ethics and power dynamics aside, be prepared for culture shock — especially if you’re a Western woman. As one of my friends put it after dating a Thai man, “they just don’t respect us the way we need to be respected.” And I’ll add that 90% of what they know about white women probably came from porn.

I actually tested this out the same night that I tested the Clover nipple clamps, but decided it merits further testing. You see, the joy of a ball gag lies not in eradicating complaints, and snarky remarks from your bottom (though that is certainly an added bonus), but rather in the helplessness of it all. Just picture your bottom with his or her mouth forced open, unable to protest your misdeeds, the strap cutting across their cheek to hold the ball gag in place. It’s sloppy and dehumanizing, and isn’t that half the fun!

This particular gag from Sextoy.com is a classic design featuring a rubber ball (mine was orange, but I’m sure it comes in other colors as well), with leather straps. The rubber ball is about an inch in diameter, with just a little bit of give. The straps are made out of a sturdy leather, with solid grommet attachments and chrome colored buckle.

On the whole I thought this was a beautifully constructed toy. The solid leather straps, metal details, and bright orange gag begged to be forced into a bratty mouth, and if I didn’t live near Folsom St. I’d worry about what the neighbors might think. However, this is the first ball gag I’ve owned, so I learned some things about sizing. Namely, you should think about sizing before buying a ball gag. Is your victim a dainty damsel in distress, or a man built like an ox and in need of some training? This gag, at an inch, maybe and inch and a half, in diameter, is a lot for me to wrap my mouth around, but not enough for someone with a larger built. Luckily, these things come in a lot of different sizes (not to mention colors) so size up your prey and you’re ready to shop!

And a final note on safety — communication is extremely important, I can’t emphasis this enough. So if you’re going to be using a gag of any kind please remember to set up a safe signal of some kind and be extra attentive to your bottom. My favorite safe signal? Give them a cat toy to hold and consider dropping it to be a safeword. The ones with a little bell inside are noisy enough to get your attention.

Feel free to take a look at the BDSM section, or go directly to the orange ball gag. You can also brows all the sex toys if you prefer!

[I should be packing for a sci-fi con that I am going to this weekend and the accompanying play events, but instead I am scrambling to finish off a blog post...]

So you’re looking forward for a weekend long event, the scenes you’ll have, the eye candy you’ll see, and the sleep dep you’ll experience…

Arrive well rested:
This is something I have yet to accomplish usually arriving after a hectic day at the office when I try to cram 8 hours of work into a half day and still catch a plane or worse yet after a day spent at the airport encountering one travel delay after another. Still you should make an effort to arrive as well rested and well organized as possible. Pack in advance, throw a power bar into your bag to avoid those last minute dashes to bus terminal convenience stores with all your gear in tow, and make sure your phone, ipod, and any other electronics are fully charged.

Stay hydrated:
I carry a water bottle with me and make sure to keep it full. Scenes are physically draining, and all that coffee you’re probably pouring into your body isn’t helping any. Your body needs as much help recovering as it can get and staying hydrated will go a long way.

Remember to eat:
In the science fiction community we have something called the 5-2-1 rule, meaning five hours of sleep, two meals, and one shower per 24 hour period when attending conventions. I modify this slightly for kink events mostly to include more showers (a nice caffeine free way to reenergize between panels and play) and snacks after every scene. You might find that you have been snacking all day and aren’t very hungry come dinner time, however, I would still suggest a sit-down dinner. I usually opt for something light if I’m planning to play soon after, but this is a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with old friends, relax from a busy day of classes and shopping, and maybe even negotiate a scene.

Quality over quantity:
My biggest problem at these events is that I want to play with everybody: my partner, the friend I only see once a year at the fetish flea, that guy whom I saw do a beautiful scene last night and chatted with afterward…This can get really overwhelming. The good news is that this is probably not your last kink event, and there will be other opportunities. You will find the balance that works for you as well as how many scenes you can do spaced how far apart. Don’t be afraid to reschedule if you’re not feeling up for a scene either. If you’re going into a scene because you said you would not because you want to you won’t have a good time; better to try again when you’re more available physically and emotionally.

Consider what you pack:
If that cute pink latex mini-skirt hasn’t looked quite right since you stopped walking to work every day don’t pack it. It’s a good idea to try on everything you pack before you go. Not only will this save you space and prevent you from realizing 5 minutes before your hot date that every pair of stockings you brought has a run in it, it will also ensure that when you’re getting dressed every option in your suitcase will be flattering and well thought out, which is great for your self esteem.

Pens are useful:
So are personal cards with your name, and email address on them. If you feel comfortable doing so you can also include your phone number. You will probably meet a lot of cool people, and it will be a lot easier to stay in touch with them if you don’t have to look all over god’s green earth for a way to give them your phone number. I once made goodie bags for a friend’s play party (yes, I am kinky Martha Stewart. Why do you ask?) that included tiny little address books to replace all those scraps of paper people usually walk away with.

The bottom line:
Relax, enjoy, and don’t try to do everything because it’s impossible.